<Edit: As some readers might have misunderstood my post, here some clarification: !!!ATTENTION: THIS POST CONTAINS SARCASM AND IRONY!!!/End Edit>
A: “Hey, with your new company and all, do you do social media? I heard it can bring you lots of sales and traffic to your website!”
B: “Ah, shut up, I tried this stuff. I set up a Twitter account and a Facebook page and all and spend all this time on it and it did not get me a single lead! Social media is a waste of time!”
A lot of people, companies and entrepreneurs share this point of view. If you want to agree with them, follow these great instructions to finally proof that Social Media is a waste of time. Here is a list of 36 great ways to fail at Social Media:
# 1: Setting up a Facebook page and a Twitter account is all you need to do!
# 2: Have your niece be your social media expert, because she has 300+ friends on Facebook!
# 3: Update your Twitter account every 2 weeks, you don’t want to be a spammer, right?
# 4: Let’s create a company blog on a WordPress domain!
# 5: Sending every single link to your company website or blog!
# 6: Set your Twitter account to protected!
# 7: Make your Facebook page only visible to your fans!
# 8: Tweet about your coffee! Every single morning! Multiple times, somebody could have missed it!
# 9: Send your Followers a DM with a link to a spam website!
# 10: Not have a single post on Twitter and expect people to follow you!
# 11: Write about yourself, all the time, everywhere!
# 12: Never, ever give advice or share a link! Don’t you ever do that, understood!!!
# 13: Use the pushiest sales talk you can think of! Create new words: Ultraextremeawesomeness!
# 14: TWEET ALL IN CAPITAL LETTERS! EXTRA POINTS!!!
# 15: Have a tirade about your competitors! They suck and it is your duty to warn people about them!
# 16: Even better: Randomly retweet other people’s tweets and send your followers to your competition!
# 17: End every sentence in your tweet with an exclamation point! Darn I am good at this one!
# 18: No matter what, do not listen to what other people have to say! Don’t read your DM’s @’s and delete ALL comments on your blog
# 19: Never use the Search.Twitter to search for your company name. Reading this could harm your company’s reputation.
# 20: Use different user names, spellings and logos for every profile you create
# 21: Now I am getting mean: Let your accountant write your blog posts
# 22: Spend a fortune on the blog design, and $ 3.00 per blog post!
# 23: Your number one goal should be: have 200,000 followers on twitter, so always follow as many people as Twitter allows you
# 24: RT your links to your website at least 2 x per hour! People are not on Twitter 24/7! You have to get the word out!
# 25: Only Facebook and Twitter really count as Social Media
# 26: Close comments on your blog! You are the boss, your customers should listen to you, not the other way around!
# 27: Oh wow, my lucky number
# 28: Talk bad about customers, with several Million users, how should they ever find you?
# 29: Use your keywords, at least twice in every paragraph, so be sure to use your keywords in your paragraphs at least twice!
# 30: Switch all your marketing budget to social media, because if you don’t find 1,000 new customers by next month, you will be out of business
# 31: Don’t waste your time reading other blog posts, especially those related to your industry! You know it better anyways
# 32: Content on your blog is not important. Rather spend this time to write comments on any blog you can find.
# 33: But don’t waste time writing lengthy comments either: Two words max, but be sure to use your keywords as your commentator name
# 34: Don’t worry about “target market”! Your product/service is so great, everyone will want it
# 35: If your blog does not get you a lead or a sale in less than 2 weeks -> stop it, it’s not working!
# 36: It is ok to copy your content from other websites and you do not have to reference them in any way. Social Media is about sharing right?
I hope you liked this little list of ways to fail at Social Media! Do you have more? Please share them and I promise I will delete them without reading!